“Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” – Christopher Robin from Winnie the Pooh
If you ask someone to describe a confident person, what might they say? The woman who is talking to a group of people and laughing brashly. The one who just delivered a rousing speech. Or maybe the person who is impeccably dressed.
It’s easy to confuse confidence with the way someone looks or outwardly acts. Or the way they sound. Or by how many friends they have.
Any of those may signify confidence, but they may also be an overcompensation for a lack thereof.
Lacking confidence does not mean that you can’t ever get it. Like many things in life, you must practice it to get better at it. You might be one of those that believes you either have it, or you don’t. Like eye color or opposable thumbs.
I believe you can cultivate it.
This is especially important for novelists who generally work independently with few chances to practice in a crowd.
So, let’s talk about some ways to build confidence rather than overcompensation as a cover-up.
Here are seven habits you can add to your confidence repertoire.
- Take credit for your achievements. Take stock in your career thus far. What have you learned? What have you done? What would not have happened without your contribution? This list will be longer than you think. Take out a piece of paper, notebook, whiteboard, etc., and write down every accomplishment. Don’t be hard on yourself? Remember that literature A.P. course you took and thought you wouldn’t pass but you got a B+. What about the character development study you created that led to the climax in your book? Or you wrote your first story when you were ten years old. Now make a list. Fill the page. Add to it over the next few weeks.
- Be prepared. The best way I know to be confident is to be prepared. Understand the problem you’re facing. Knowing an issue from every angle will make you feel ready for anything. When I make a presentation, for instance, I’ve studied the material until I know it inside and out – this ultimately gives me the confidence, then, to present it. A prepared person is a confident person.
- Do something bold. What have you been wanting to do but you’ve stopped yourself because you thought it wasn’t you? Or you thought it was too extravagant? I once went after a job that I thought was out of my league. I got the job. You never know unless you try.
- Give someone feedback. Volunteer to read someone else’s work with the goal of giving honest and open feedback. Giving feedback does two things. It helps the writer you’re giving feedback to – you’re telling them what is missing, a better option, what could be stronger. And, at the same time, it adds to your confidence knowing that you helped someone. Giving feedback can be tremendously gratifying. But always remember, be kind.
- Take criticism like a champ. When someone gives you feedback, do you get defensive? Are you spending time defending your work or listening to the feedback with an open mind? If someone is giving you feedback, it’s because something you wrote or said may not resonate with them. And if it doesn’t resonate with them, it may not resonate with others. Listen to feedback with an open mind in the hopes that you will hear something you hadn’t considered before.
- Show up. I recall watching a video from Mel Robbins on YouTube. Her startling video tells her audience that “no one is coming.” The first time I saw it, it made me feel depressed. But then, strangely, energized. Because it made me admit out loud if I was meant to do something different or new, I would have to do it myself. You have you, and only you, to rely on to show up, do the work, take a chance, because no will do it for you. Invest in yourself. You’re worth it.
- Maintain eye contact when talking with others. Maintaining the appropriate amount of eye contact shows people you are listening, supportive, and confident. Too little can indicate a lack of confidence and honesty. Too much eye contact can be awkward and even seem hostile (and downright creepy). Here’s a good rule to follow. For every minute you spend talking with someone, plan to make eye contact for at least half the time, no matter whether you are speaking or listening. Additionally, make sure to hold eye contact for at least 3 seconds. Otherwise, your eyes will appear to be darting around, which makes you seem nervous.
By practicing these habits, you can build your self-confidence that will ultimately make an impact on your career and inner peace and may even reduce stress – something we all need less of.
I’ve heard it said that if we practice something long enough, it becomes a habit. And even longer, it becomes a permanent lifestyle change. So, start today. Throughout your day, continually remind yourself to cultivate your confidence and note it on your calendar. Then get yourself an accountability partner (your book coach maybe?) and share what you accomplished.
Continue the conversation:
How do you overcome doubt?
If you meet someone who is over or under confident, how does it make you feel?